I wrote this e-mail to my parents tonight. I can't sleep.:
So I'm writing this e-mail now so I can get it all out and not forget when I talk to you tomorrow morning.
I sooo can't sleep. I am going out of my mind.
I think I need therapy. And I mean that in all seriousness. I am an over-anxious, emotional mess.
I am quite positive that the only reason I want to come home for good is because being away from home is the first time in my entire life that things have been hard. And I'm not so good at it in the beginning. Which is so new to me. I'm always good at everything and I always master everything and become president or leader or something. I am not making as many friends as I'm used to having, which freaks me out. I don't like to be alone. And the friends I do have are generally not very quality. It makes me miss high school.
That's what this was all about. I OWNED Taylor High School. I was president of theatre, I had lead roles in shows, I was validated, I had friends, and I had like... purpose. And now I have to make my own decisions that effect the rest of my life and I'm so scared if I mess up I won't have anyone to blame.
I'm so ashamed that I am one of those people who runs away as soon as crap gets hard. I am just so freaking scared of EVERYTHING. Including failure. And driving. And being alone. And getting a C. And disappointing people. And just living.
But on the same token, I wonder if the only reason I came here in the first place is because it was so cool and romantic to be from such a "cool" city as New Orleans, and it made sense for me to want to go back. But did i ever really give two shits about being back here? One year ago, I wanted to be an actress. Now I want to be a civil rights attorney. Or a substance abuse counselor. Or who the hell knows?! I have no idea where I'm going in life. And I'm so scared of screwing it up. I don't wanna be one more person in our family to make stupid mistakes. I want to be the daughter/granddaughter/niece/cousin/whatever who the family brags about.
I'm so scared of moving on and really admitting to myself that this is it, and I can't keep clinging to high school like it's somehow gonna come back and be a part of my life again.
I don't know. This is like 1/100th of all the crap that goes on in my head. I don't know how I got so stressed out and messed up. I feel like I'm so used to being stressed that I don't even notice it until my stomach is in knots and I can't sleep for days on end. This is not a healthy way to live. I'm so sick of it.
Anyway. I guess we'll talk about this when I get home.
-Mel
