I have a fortune taped on the bottom of my shelf above my bed so I can only see it when I'm lying in bed. "Smile before bed. You'll sleep better."
I VERY rarely read it, much less actually smile. I would probably feel like a tool.
I began to google how to relax tonight. Isn't that sad? I am such a product of the 21st century. I have to GOOGLE how to de-stress. Pathetic. It said some people write as an outlet. I guess I haven't been blogging enough.
I think every day of my life involves pain. An extremely deep pain in the depths of my body. If it's not a physical pain, it's mental (which in turn usually triggers physical pain... the stomache aches I have endured due to stress would blow your mind.) When I wake up, if I DON'T feel sick, I wonder how long it will be until I feel sick. I don't think as clearly when I wake up, so I obsess over it until I convince myself I don't feel well... It is a nasty pattern. If I do feel sick, I try to take a hot shower and not puke and drag my sorry ass to class regardless. I usually make myself look especially cute when I'm not feeling well in hopes that no one will see the bags under my eyes and might forgive me if I have to run out of the room to vomit. It's not fun to say the least. If, on a rare occasion, it's not physical, it is mental. It is a struggle between wanting to be indepenent and wanting to crawl in my mom's bed as well a massive, cancerous, brain-consuming fit of survivor's guilt. My stress spans the globe. I am struck by the fact that my spoiled ass is saved and pampered on a daily basis while women in the middle east are being stolen and sold into brothels and children in Africa are killed or made into child soldiers just walking to school. I have never endured tragedy - and I feel like I am less of a person for it. No matter my ideas or what I could do for the world, I am nothing more than a spoiled brat.
And sometimes, I couldn't care less about the rest of the world. I just want my stomach to not hurt. Or I want to drive on I-10 without fearing for my life. Or I want to curl up with my dog on the couch.
I am going to Katy for the week of Mardi Gras. I need to make a doctor's appointment. I think I am quite possibly losing my mind. I wonder if that a sign of insanity - being able to FEEL instability slowly creeping in.
And then there are moments of incredible clarity. They make me realize why I am here. When I am able to share a laugh with a cast of girls I hardly know and feel comfortable and safe in their presence. When I am walking to class and feel a warm breeze on my face and think that July is just around the corner, and I can't wait to go to Florida. When the version Scott and I did of "I'd Give It All For You" plays on my iPod and I remember how much I love to sing.
I am ready to find my husband. I'm not ready to get married, but I just want him. I want to stop wondering if he's out there.
I feel very far from God right now. And yet I feel very close in realizing how much I rely on Him.
I miss Sarah. I can't imagine what my life was like before her. They say best friends are sisters God forgot to give you. What a thing to forget! If I could give everyone one thing in the world, it would be a best friend who so perfectly understood them as Sarah and I do one another.
I am babbling. I wonder if this will destress me. I didn't do my history homework for tomorrow. Cool.
