i don't wanna have the dreams no more.

Chelsea comes home tomorrow. I can't WAIT. I need my Chelsea-poo.

I am so unsure of everything right now.

is it his brown eyes?

I don't want to go back to Loyola.

the universe is shaped exactly like the earth; if you go straight long enough you end up where you were.

Ok. I'm not really UPSET, but there is some stuff that has been on my chest. Okay. We can all agree that your first semester at college is like life-changing, right? Right. I don't know. When Jen first went to college it was like everyone was so excited about it and whenever she came home she was hounded with questions like what's it like and who are your new friends and and what do you do on weekends? And if anything it just made me like excited to experience something new myself. Except for my experience has been completely different from Jen's because I went to a small private school a lot further away. And it's like. I don't know. I guess I wish I felt like more people cared about like MY college experience. Because it has wreaked absolute havoc on my emotions. I feel like I don't know where I'm more at home, and it is now and always will be miserable being away from my family for so long, and it really takes a toll on me. Like if Brittany or Camille wants like a hot dinner, they drive home. I sit in my dorm. Like... that REALLY starts to get to you, you know? It's like the epitome of being out in the cold world by yourself, and why did I ever want that to begin with? I can be successful at school, but will I ever be happy? I mean yeah I can be content hanging out with friends, but in life, that only means so much. Like going to bars on weekends will never ever ever make me HAPPY. It might be something fun to do, but it's not going to make my heart smile. It is a very helpless feeling. And like... the fact that I will forever have to take a trip to go home for holidays, or breaks, and not just like... be there. It's terrifying. It's like... all of a sudden everything just happened and I spent so much time wishing it would happen faster and now I can't go back and it's like all I want to do. It is SO FUCKING MISERABLE being away from my family. I hate it. It starts to mess with my head. It is the most lonely feeling in the entire world. I HATE that to see my family, I either have to take the time/money to fly home or drive for 6 freakin hours. Like... seeing your family is something I like NEED to do every day, and I'm lucky to do it like once every other month? Jesus.

I don't know. I have a lot of these thoughts, and maybe no one knows I have them, or no one thinks they bother me. And so they think about other things, like Jen's stupid foot surgery or Christmas shopping. I guess I just kind of wish someone would ask me like a stupid question about college. Cause I would like to answer. Why is college so important anyway? I'm not ready to grow up. I just wanna go HOME, but home isn't a place, it's a time period, and it's in the past now. It's a very uncomfortable feeling.

I hope no one gets mad at this blog.

3 months and i'm still sober

Real quick. My friend Heather posted this poem thing on myspace, and, of course, I had to respond.

Original post:
Since the Pledge of Allegiance and
> The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most
> public schools anymore
> Because the word 'God' is mentioned....
> A kid in Arizona wrote the attached

> NEW School prayer :
> Now I sit me down in school
> Where praying is against the rule
> For this great nation under God
> Finds mention of Him very odd.
>
> If Scripture now the class recites,
> It violates the Bill of Rights.
> And anytime my head I bow
> Becomes a Federal matter now.

> Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
> That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
> The law is specific, the law is precise.
> Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
>
> For praying in a public hall
> Might offend someone with no faith at all.
> In silence alone we must meditate,
> God's name is prohibited by the state.

> We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
> And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
> They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
> To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
> We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
> And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
> It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
> We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.

> We can get our condoms and birth controls,
> Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
> But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
> No word of God must reach this crowd.

>
> It's scary here I must confess,
> When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
> So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
> Should I be shot; My soul please take!
> Amen


My response:
I'm sorry sweety, but you know I can't read stuff like this and not reply. The Lord's Prayer was never banned because it mentioned God - it's not like it was a secret that it was a prayer to God. It was banned because in America, especially in public, government-funded facilities, people of any and every religion are allowed and encouraged to attend and feel safe and comfortable. It was never because America hates God - it would simply be inconvenient and take way too much time to do a Christian prayer, then a Jewish prayer, then a Muslim prayer, then a Hindu, Buddhist, Confucian, Zoroastrianistic, and Jainistic, and those are just the major religions. So what did we do? Created a moment of silence, which the majority of public school's do abide by. It's a moment for students of any faith to worship their God privately and to themselves, which many argue is the way religion should be practiced in the first place. Even in the Bible, it says that those who pray in public pray so others will think they're good and lose focus on God. And as for that kid, either he deserves to be shot, or he needs to go to a damn private school.

we'll look any man straight in his eye and say kiss my irish ass.

I'm HOME!!! For CHRISTMAS!!!! and finals are OVER!!!!

I
am
so
HAPPY!!!!

It was an... interesting drive home. Matt Busby took an orange flavored hostess cupcake and smashed it all up in my face. It did not taste good. Oh well... I'm HOME! For CHRISTMAS!!!! Goodness gracious I ADORE Christmas.

Dad took me for a short ride on the Harley today. You better believe I will be begging for more tomorrow... SO MUCH FUN!

Mom had her Christmas party tonight so she is gone until tomorrow :( it's no fun coming home without her! But she should be home tomorrow by 2 so I'm looking forward to it.

Ugh, now I don't wanna go back to school hahaha.

LOVE!

With friends like that, I don't need enemies.

I am sick of liars. And flakes. And people who just ingenuine altogether.

One more final to go and I'm DONE! Leaving tomorrow morning around 9ish to get the hell out of here. Very very excited. Home for 23 DAYS!! Get the hell out of this city and away from all the stupid people in it. I am so fed up with everyone having their own opinion and being liars and saboteurs and stuff. Time to get home to my REAL friends... SARAHCHRISTYCHELSEA. I am so stoked Chels will be home. I miss her so much. And it's like... the 4 of us reuniting!!!! Finally. It has been way too long.

I am out of money and I'm starving. Lovely. I need to get the hell out of here.

there's a beautiful sky tonight

So, Craig and I broke up. Sucked for about 15 minutes, and then I realized it was really probably the best thing to do. C'est la vie! No hard feelings... and like for the first time ever in any breakup, I actually mean that. Weird. I must be getting soft...

It's the long-awaited/dreaded FINALS WEEK. And it is going to be the longest week of all time, I tell you, because, 1) I am GOING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS ON FRIDAY and 2) I have a really nasty cold. Like when I say nasty I mean like absolutely GNARLY. Everything from my shoulders up hurts. Badly. And while I feel lucky I didn't inherit my mom/sister's unfortunate migraine habit, every time I get a headache, I get like really bad sinus headaches in my teeth and stuff... God. Misery! Anyway. Government and Acting finals were last week, and the rest of my schedule looks a little something:

Monday 2:00-4:00 - Philosophy final
Wedneday 11:30-1:30 - History final
Thursday 2:00-4:00 - Religion final

Ew. I wish it would just be Friday already.

i've tried everything from the whiskey to the dramamine

finals.
are.
stressing.
me.
OUT!!!

to whom do i owe my debt?

GOD. Ever hear one of those songs that just like... makes you boo hoo and just gives you a knot in the pit of your stomach and thank God that SOMEONE out there can articulate what you are feeling most deeply...

I won't post ALL the lyrics, but here are my favorites from "Dear Mr. President" by Pink:

"How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?"

"What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine."

"Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell."



God. What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away? What kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?

And there are STILL PEOPLE OUT THERE who would vote for him again.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?





It just drives me nuts. It's like lately... I shouldn't say I have been down, because I haven't... my eyes have just been opened to so much. We had our first company meeting and we watched these videos on Iraqi families - a little boy who got AIDS from a blood transfusion in Baghdad and all his mom wants is 15$ a month from the government to pay for cab fare to get him to the doctor. Another little boy who has been in the 1st grade for 5 years because the war keeps forcing him to drop out, who can hardly write his own name. A group of Shi'as in the south of Iraq who hate Americans with this ridiculously fierce passion who are desperate for us to get out of their towns. It's beyond frightening. There was a clip of a Shi'ite saying, "Every American should be afraid." I mean, why are we believing BUSH of all people, telling us not to be afraid? He lies about everything else... We probably should be fearing for our lives. How can we send more and more minority men over to the front lines who are hardly even citizens and just want to go to college? The American government has made it public they are not keeping track of the number of Iraqi dead. Just because they are not American does not mean that they don't have families - daughters who just want to hear their dad read the Polar Express on Christmas Eve and won't because the military has gone so crazy and blood-hungry that they'll shoot anything that moves. I mean, it could just as well be us!

I am so sick of being assosciated with the biggest bully the world has ever known. It's all fun and games until someone starts crying.


It just makes me feel lucky, and unneccessarily so. Two parts from one of my monologues in 9 Parts of Desire:

"I have too much existence
I have lived through 23 revolutions
my life has been spared
if my life has been spared
to whom do I owe my debt?
I have so much to repay.
To whom do I owe my debt?"

"When I was young in the school
they had us to draw
our family tree -
my mother had a new dress
it's with ruffles and flowers
that I loved
and she wear it in the house
I think every day for many weeks.
So I draw my mother like a big flower
with ruffles.
My teacher say no
it is wrong before Allah
drawing her hair and body showing -
I am disrespecting.
So I look to the other children and
they drawing only the fathers and grandfathers
because of the name-line.

So I just erased her, my mother
it was only pencil."

Remember, it's just you and me.

God. I completely sliced my finger open (left index finger, which is why this is a bitch to type) today... digging through my makeup drawer my poor finger happened to stumble across an old rusty razor... sick. kdjhdslkjhds. It seriously bled for way too long. Owwww.

It's weird, cause cutting my finger made me homesick. Like... I wanted my mom to get me a bandaid. *sigh*

oh... and... BY THE FREAKIN WAY


IIIIIII
GGGGGOOOOOTTT
CCCCCAAAASSSSSTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In 9 Parts of Desire!

I
AM
SO
FREAKING
STOKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got cast as Nanna, and it's probably the smallest part of any play EVER but WHO THE HELL CARES. CAUSE I GOT CAST. :D


very very good night.

In other news.... I still have the new boyfriend (Craig) and he is so beyond fabulous. Haven't felt this way about anyone in a long, long time. It's just very... nice. :)

And of course, I have such terrific luck, he's being deployed to Iraq in April. Way to freakin' go. Not only am I dating a Republican, he's fixin to go off to war. Ugh. If we get married before he goes, the government will give me $500 a month. It may be worth it... thats a new pair of jeans like every week!

I would type more but the pain in my finger is excrutiating when I type. So I'm gonna go to bed. I have my auditions for the theatre dept. here tomorrow... Oh, did I mention I will (most likely, after hopefully making this audition) be double majoring in poli sci and theatre starting next semester? Oi.

Anyway, xoxoxox.