Ok. I'm not really UPSET, but there is some stuff that has been on my chest. Okay. We can all agree that your first semester at college is like life-changing, right? Right. I don't know. When Jen first went to college it was like everyone was so excited about it and whenever she came home she was hounded with questions like what's it like and who are your new friends and and what do you do on weekends? And if anything it just made me like excited to experience something new myself. Except for my experience has been completely different from Jen's because I went to a small private school a lot further away. And it's like. I don't know. I guess I wish I felt like more people cared about like MY college experience. Because it has wreaked absolute havoc on my emotions. I feel like I don't know where I'm more at home, and it is now and always will be miserable being away from my family for so long, and it really takes a toll on me. Like if Brittany or Camille wants like a hot dinner, they drive home. I sit in my dorm. Like... that REALLY starts to get to you, you know? It's like the epitome of being out in the cold world by yourself, and why did I ever want that to begin with? I can be successful at school, but will I ever be happy? I mean yeah I can be content hanging out with friends, but in life, that only means so much. Like going to bars on weekends will never ever ever make me HAPPY. It might be something fun to do, but it's not going to make my heart smile. It is a very helpless feeling. And like... the fact that I will forever have to take a trip to go home for holidays, or breaks, and not just like... be there. It's terrifying. It's like... all of a sudden everything just happened and I spent so much time wishing it would happen faster and now I can't go back and it's like all I want to do. It is SO FUCKING MISERABLE being away from my family. I hate it. It starts to mess with my head. It is the most lonely feeling in the entire world. I HATE that to see my family, I either have to take the time/money to fly home or drive for 6 freakin hours. Like... seeing your family is something I like NEED to do every day, and I'm lucky to do it like once every other month? Jesus.
I don't know. I have a lot of these thoughts, and maybe no one knows I have them, or no one thinks they bother me. And so they think about other things, like Jen's stupid foot surgery or Christmas shopping. I guess I just kind of wish someone would ask me like a stupid question about college. Cause I would like to answer. Why is college so important anyway? I'm not ready to grow up. I just wanna go HOME, but home isn't a place, it's a time period, and it's in the past now. It's a very uncomfortable feeling.
I hope no one gets mad at this blog.
