i've just seen a face i can't forget the time or place

You know what is frustrating?

I stress out. Okay, I can accept that.

I stress out a lot. I lose hair and sleep and sanity over really little things. Okay, I can accept that.

I stress out so that I am always physically tense and ill-feeling and can't even keep thoughts straight in my head. Okay, I guess I can accept that.

So, okay. I accept that I stress out. Now... what the hell am I supposed to do about it?

I hate when people are like "you just have to relax"... well, no shit. Cause, you know, I totally enjoy NOT relaxing. It's like my favorite thing in the world... not.

I just don't know what to do sometimes. I mean I can recognize that I am like at my wits end but what does that matter if there's nothing I can do about it? sdkjhadflkjsdfhlkajsdfhlaksjdfhlaskjdfhalskjdfhslakdjfhalwekfhualkdjh!!!!!!!!!!

i'm not gonna write you a love song.

I have been having a rough couple of days. A lot of times I pretend I'm okay - sometimes for myself, sometimes for others... But it consumes me, and when I realize I'm really NOT okay, it overwhelms me and, yeah... I have just really wanted to curl up in my mom's bed and pet my dog and go to Starbucks with Sarah and Chelsea just like so many times before.

And yet, when I feel I'm completely at my breaking point, God reminds me how present He is my life and how much He blesses me each and every day. It makes me ashamed that I could ever forget how much He loves me and guides me and blesses my life. I just feel like I have found a best friend in the holy ghost and it overwhelms me with joy and fear and curiosity and sheer ecstasy. And so it shames me to realize how lucky I am to be at an incredible university studying what I want to study and being able to speak freely and live comfortably and know what it is to love and be loved. I have miraculously been spared from wildfires in southern California and dissent in the Middle East and even catastrophe as close as Fat City. I have no clue why God has spared me from these tragedies; all I can rely on is my knowledge of His plan for me and hope that I am fulfilling my duties to Him as best I can. I'm not perfect, and He loves me anyway... It is a feeling of ecstacy unable to be described. I hope I never lose it.

22 days until Thanksgiving break... I can't wait to see Mama and Papa and Lacey! And of course mom and dad and Jen and Rubes... Jen is coming to visit on Friday until Sunday... Saturday I have our campus-wide community service day, but it should end by 1:30 and knowing Jen she will just be waking up, so hopefully we can spend some time together. I am adjusting quite well nowadays, but I still constantly wish for small reminders of home.

Anyways, I am back on the prowl. You know me, the hopeless romantic... I love love, and I am trying very, VERY hard to move on from past experiences and find something new and more... appropriate for the person I am today. No more settling - it's time to find someone I've dreamt of. Wish me luck!

Some pictures from this weekend (I promise I don't wear the corset normally, but we celebrated Halloween on Saturday night with some new friends)

it is finally cold here!!!

Woke up cold one Tuesday

Well. Yep. GUESS WHAT! IT'S COOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!

Yep. Cold front came through yesterday, flooded us 4+ inches (enough for them to cancel all classes after like 2 and this morning... yay!) , and now it's COOLD. My desktop weather thing says 55 degrees. I'm flipping out - so refreshing!!! Haha, last night was very interesting and college-esque. We decided at 11:30 that we wanted to brave the torrential rains and go to McDonald's (Brittany and I are collecting the Monopoly pieces... we're 1 railroad away from $100!), so 5 of us (Brittany, her boyfriend, Ryan, two of friends, Chris and Matt, and me) piled in the car and blared Colt 45 (such a nasty song) and got out fast food on. It was fun... and very wet. I seriously changed outfits like 4 times yesterday cause even with rain boots and an umbrella, every time I went to or from class I got SOAKED.

People at Loyola should not be such whiney bitches. Seriously... you're EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. Grow up and realize you aren't in junior high anymore: g-strings are not cool, especially when they hang out. Your parents can't call and fix your shit. You are actually RESPONSIBLE for your decisions. Uggh, I just wish people would GROW UP. I'm glad my friends are cool..

Oh man, on Sunday, we had this huge CLC thing with all the small groups... It was seriously the coolest experience of my life. It was so great being around so many people and meeting new people and feeling that much of God's power and love... Ah. It was SO cool... and we had our small group CLC last night, which, as usual, was incredible. I love our group.

Jen is coming not this weekend but next weekend... I am sooo excited. I can't wait to see her! Mama and Papa are also back in Katy for the winter... what a great weekend for them to come back, when it finally gets cold! LOL... It will be good to get back over Thanksgiving and see them and Lacey and everyone... Too bad I am driving by myself! :( It will be ok, it will probably take me more than 6 hours, but I will make some good CDs and get a good night's sleep the night before... It should be fine.

Anyway... Just checking in... I have my philosophy midterm on Friday... I am nervous!!!! But I have no reason not to get a 100, because he posts the midterm online a week before... That's what I like, he wants us to succeed, and it's not about like number grades, but about us understanding stuff... Yep...

PS: I hate music majors. Seriously. PICK A REAL MAJOR AND STOP STEALING OUR SCHOLARSHIP MONEYYYYYY!!!

if i go to washington, who will be my chaperone?

"we always knew, we always knew you were a CHAMPIONNNNNNN"


Hello, there. How's it going? Great here. Nothing really to report, midterm grades are due in at midnight, but a few have been posted... A in acting, B+ in government, and C in history... yeah, I know, WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!? Then I got to thinking about it... practically everyone failed the first paper in that class, and he is letting us re-write them and swapping out the grades... so potentially it should be much higher, but I think the bad paper grade is still in there. It really distresses me, regardless. You better believe that paper re-write will be the best paper I've ever written. I'm still waiting to hear about religion and philosophy, but I'm expecting a B or B+ in both. Anyway.

Speaking of religion class, we watched the movie "Gandhi" in there... Wow. That had to have been the most moving experience of my life. WHAT an INCREDIBLE movie... I never really knew much about Gandhi, but I was SO impressed... I really think everyone should believe in SOMETHING the way he believed in peace and non-violence. It was soul-stirring... what a phenomenal film. Peter Kinglsey (that's his name, right?) was also one of the best actor's I have EVER seen in a movie.

I think I might be going out to Metairie tonight to hang out at Brittany's house... I don't want to, just because I hate driving on the interstate here... and not knowing where I'm going. That part sucks.

OHMYGOD. A few days ago, I was doing laundry, and I guess I didn't close my bottle of detergent, because I threw it up on the top shelf of my closet, and 30 minutes later, detergent was EVERYWHERE!!!! All over my clothes, the shelves, the floor, all the food in my closet, my shoes, my bags... SUCH a disgusting, slimy mess. It is STILL slippery on my floor if your feet are wet... I just haven't had the opportunity to get down and really clean it.

Oh, I went home for fall break.. a very interesting couple of days. Dot and Dan were in town, it was cool to see them... I'll post some pictures from going to Papasito's. (We told the waiter it was Mr. Dan's birthday, hence the sombrero...)

oh deary me, my little brother's in his bedroom smoking weed.

So! Guess what! I am going home tomorrow!!! Yep, this weekend is "Fall break"... we have Monday and Tuesday off, so I am taking a very lovely 4 day weekend in Katy! Also, I got a job!!!! I am a sales associate at Banana Republic in Lakeside mall... so fun! Today was my first day, and I work Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday of next week. (I work from 10am - 7pm on Saturday! Jeeeeeez.) But it is worth it, freaking AWESOME employee discounts, and it is a pretty chill place to work. But so yeah, I am glad to have something to keep me busy, because I work so much better when I have a lot on my plate!

So the other day, Brittany and I and this guy from Tulane were driving down to Metairie to pick something up for Brittany at this shop, and we got in a wreck!!! No bueno, but it wasn't that bad, and once again, I seriously thank God no one was hurt. (And no one was hurt. Ha! Long story.) But yeah. I have definitely felt like God was seriously watching over me lately... Just keeping me positive and organized and healthy. I am almost done with defensive driving! (Thank GOD.)

Anyway, wish me a safe flight tomorrow!!! The weather is BEAUTIFUL, by the way!!

that's the way we get down in a hick town

Of course my first class would be cancelled today, and so when I'm sleeping, I would get a text message at like 8:30 that wakes me up. Ugh. I don't have class until 12:30. :(

I have been feeling really nervous lately. Physically and emotionally, but more so physically. I keep getting butterflies in my stomach and those really uncomfortable surges of adrenaline... Definitely not too fun. And I keep bouncing my legs when I sit and stuff... but I really have nothing to be nervous about!! I don't get it. Sheesh. Maybe I will do some hardcore stretching and take a long shower, try to relax...

Last night Brittany and I went to 5 Happines... talk about some good chinese food!! I was impressed... almost as good as Hong Kong Garden :P. Then we went out to Metairie and hung out with Matt Busby and some of his friends for a few hours... It was a fun night. And now it's Friday, and I have no clue what my plans are. Anyway. Bye!

(PS: I downloaded the program that automatically backs up my files every day. Take that, hard drive!)

bob that head

I got a very short e-mail this morning:
"Mel,

Update your blog.

-Dad"


Ugh. Rude.

Anyway. Did I ever mention I have my first practice/class with ComedySportz New Orleans on Saturday? Ha, this little amateur is growing up and going pro! Yep yep. Things have been going actually exceptionally well since I've been back. I finally feel good. Like college is actually FUN now! And jeez, it has grown on me A LOT. I think the fact that it has been GORGEOUS outside really helps. And it's like, when it's gorgeous outside in Katy, it's like... cool, it's nice out. I'll go sit on the becn. When it's gorgeous outside here, it's like... there is so much you can do outside. You can sit in one of the quads or play volleyball or rock in the rocking chairs or go walk around Audubon park. It's like... it's still warm, but in the breeze you can almost SMELL winter. It's my favorite smell in the world. Definitely perks me up. In fact, yesterday, my 9:30 acting class was held outside on the steps of the chapel. It was soooo lovely.
New Orleans in general has just really grown on me. I still bitch about not being able to turn left, but it's definitely better. Not to say I don't miss Katy or my family or my friends or anything, but I feel so relieved to finally just be able to like... not worry about it anymore! I talked to Sarah for like an hour last night, and she is beginning to go through what I felt was the hardest year ever... Just doing applications, fighting about where you want to go to school, touring schools, maintaining grades, staying active in theatre, and then BAM it goes so fast and all of a sudden you're gone and on your own and its like wait what happened?! We have a program at Loyola called Each One Reach One where current students give information about high school seniors they know and Loyola gives them priority consideration on their application and scholarships and stuff, so I submitted one for Sarah. I miss her so FREAKING much. I am going home the weekend after next (Welcome to private school, we have random four day weekends for random holidays that don't exist: "fall break") and I really can't wait to go home and not have any drama to deal with and not have anything to do... Just go home and be with my dog and enjoy my family, maybe heat up the hot tub and get some reading done at Starbucks. Ahh, how nice does that sound???

I have been working out a lot since I've been back... practically every day. It has finally clicked with me how much working out really really helps me relax, de-stress, and un-wind. I just go and hit the treadmill or the elliptical HARD for 15-30 minutes each and sweat my butt off and afterwards it's like... I'm energized and happy and it's just an excellent feeling. Wow, it just started to rain REALLY hard. Wish I had those damn rain boots I want! It sounds gay, but when it rains here for five minutes you're trekking through 3 inches of dirty water for the whole day. I really want some rubber golashes just to get to and from class, because I prefer not to swim if I can avoid it.

Here's just some random pictures I've taken on/around campus (the ones of the squirrels are from Audubon park)

A lot of things in a not very big blog post.

Okay! This is going to be a marathon post. I went home this last weekend! It was... interesting. It was really nice seeing my family and my puppy and Sarah and Charlie and Michael and Bobby and Christy and Ben.... However, it was like... weird. I realized how many people from high school I really DON'T like, and I was only friends with them because I had to be, because I saw them every day. Oh well. I'm in like a... can't go back, can't go forward kind of phase. I feel like I can't go back to Katy, because it's not at all the same... I mean it is, but it isn't, you know? I'm not in high school anymore. I guess it's time to accept that. But I can't seem to go forward yet, because New Orleans isn't "home" just yet. Which is really frustrating. It's like being stuck in a rut. It was like... I'm back in Katy for 2 days, and a TON of drama goes down. So stupid!!! That's definitely one thing I don't miss about Katy/High School... I really like being around smart, mature people. Which Katy doesn't have many of. But it is still hard to come back and be by myself. But it definitely feels easier. I don't know. I guess I feel so bad about moving on from Katy. Jeez. I don't know.

Anyways. I'm back in New Orleans now, and I'm going back to Katy the weekend after next. We have a 4 day weekend for "Fall break". Midterms started today... I had my history exam and it really wasn't too bad!!! A pleasant surprise. I have my religions midterm tomorrow... I'm a little nervous about that. But I have been studying!!

Oh! And I forgot to mention... my hard drive on my Mac completely bombed, and I lost everything... sooooo not fun. Lesson: BACK UP YOUR SHIT!!!!!